headache

i wonder when was the last time i posted something in this blog? almost 3 weeks ago i guess...reasons for not blogging: 1) busy (of course)...busy is subjective, depends on how u define it. and there are different levels of 'busy'. for my case, the last 3 weeks after that demo project, i was a bit busy with classes, report and movies. a week after, i was busier that the week before due to the upcoming seminar and exams. tiba2 ada macam light struck, eh dah nak exam...ada 2 paper lagi...sehhh, cepat sangat ni..biar benar....masa tu aku dah kena panick alarm...3) and last week, it was the hectic'est' week for me. hectic'est' when you have to study even during weekend. masa tu memang panic. the last time i remembered i felt this way was when i was in form 3. for my mid term exam, subject: history. i remembered feeling so worried that night after i went to bed, and i woke up very early in the morning (like 2 or 3 am) flipping thru my history text book. masa tu aku kesian tgk muka mak ngan ayah aku lah. entahlah kenapa, tapi aku kesian gila tgk muka diaorg kalau tgk aku buat kerja sekolah ke study ke pasal aku tak nak diaorg rasa aku ni tengah bersusah payah ke struggle ke pasal aku kesian kat diaorg kalau diaorg felt that way. ayat ni susah nak difahami, tapi to those experiencing the same thing, they can understand.

paling kemuncak aku rasa last week lah. a week before that ada seminar. kena buat presentation for the course. prof assigned 2 students per topic. my partner is a chinese girl, from mainland china. one of the boys in the course talked to me about the seminar. he said 'you are very lucky to get a chinese as a groupmate. now you can relax, chinese is so hardworking'. berdesup darah aku masa dengar tu. nasib baik aku tak bagi ceramah kesedaran sivik kat budak laki tu. nak je aku cakap 'tu kau kot, suka jadi leech, back ride atas orang, lain kali nak cakap tu pandang2 sikit.' aku terasa gak dia cakap mcm tu, sebab dia tak tahu, for the project, i made almost 85% work. i searched and collected for all the materials, even her material, aku yang carik, aku suruh dia baca dan summarize je. masalah aku is aku ni agaknya fall under perfectionist group of people, and it is suffering. aku buat all the report, aku dah merahkan siap2 mana part yg dia kena masukkan isi dia. dalam report tu i made everything, dia cuma 2 subtopics. paling aku geram masa hari sebelum presentation. bape kali dah aku ckp, better complete the report ASAP because both of us are busy, dont wait until last minute. tapi sampai malam nak hantar tu baru dia bagi kat aku yg corrected version. that noon she came to my room. masa tu aku tgh study nak peksa (tu yg aku geram, bila kau last minute habis kacau masa aku). aku pun tinggal study jap. tu dalam 2 jam jugak tu. bincang2, susun power point. we combined our parts. terkejut aku, power point dia ayat panjang nak mampus. ni mesti copy dari buku. aku pulak kena edit jadikan bende tu point. nama pun power point, bukan power essay. ya Allah sabar jelah. lepas tu combine report...aku nak menangis rasa...teruk gila...ayat tergantung, tulisan besar2. main buat je, takde numbering, takde apa. sebab aku perfectionist dan aku rasa org tak perfectionist pun akan pengsan, aku jadik panas hati sgt tgk bende tu. dengan tulisan campur2 bold, italic apa ke bende. bila aku baca, laa ni ayat buku. rupanya dia copy and paste sebijik2. jadik ayat tu semua takde flow sebab dia copy and paste mana yg penting. patutnya editlah kan, make it into continuous punya contents. terpaksa pulak aku cakap ngan dia pasal isu plagiarism. dahlah takde masa....bape kai dah aku cakap, jgn tiru bulat2...dah lah takde reference....ya Allah teruknyaaaaaaaaa.....dia pulak naik takut, bila aku kata masalah besar kalau kena tangkap for plagiarism. beria2 nak edit pulak, aku kata siapkan petang ni jugalah, esok nak hantar.

deep down aku kesian gak ngan dia sebab her schedule is so damn tight. she takes almost double subjects from other students. homework berlambak. kat sini homework susah nak mampus aku tgk. scary. tu pun aku tgk dia kesian gak, buat sangat dah kerja. aku ni cepat sejuk hati. cuma aku tak boleh hide my true feelings so aku rasa time2 aku bengang tu she can sense it. tapi lepas tu kitaorg sembang2, bincang2 balik ok....masa seminar kita kena jadik opponent to the group before us. so we need to prepare a few questions to be asked to that group. esoknya pi seminar, satu soalan pun dia tak prepare. aku prepared a few. aku punya principle, walaupun aku tak mengadu, tak komplein org tu depan2, tak kata apa dan redha je ngan apa jadi walaupun rasa macam kita buat berganda2 kerja dari dia, tapi aku takkan bagi something free2. meaning jangan haraplah aku nak bagi soalan aku kat kau utk kau tanya sebab mesti prof expect soalan from both of us. pada aku, apa kau buat tu yg kau deserve. no free ride. aku pantang free rider.

pada aku, tak kiralah bangsa apa, its not about bangsa, its about individual. sapa cakap melayu malas?? tu memang orang yang hamprak. kalau org tu malas, blame him as an individual, not because he is a malay, he is a chinese or indian. but because of who he is. macam mana pun, aku ngan groupmate tu baik gila. kitaorg close. selalu cite pasal hal masing2, kongsi pasal kedai makan, sale..cite pasal negara masing2....kitaorg pun selalu support each other dan sekepala sebab dua2 macam blur2 sikit kot. cuma certain bende lah masing2 ada kekurangan. dia banyak kali cakap maaf sebab aku buat byk keje, aku pulak sebenarnya patut minta maaf ngan dia juga, is she ever felf depressed or whatever. syukur Alhamdulillah the seminar went well for all groups except for the last group, macam nak mati budak2 ekor tu kena tanya soalan...soalan ngan budak2 phd pulak, mengalahkan time defense aku tgk. dasyat sangat sampai aku tak sampai hati tgk budak berdua tu kat depan. nasib baik opponent aku baik...

lepas seminar hari rabu, jumaat ada peksa utk subject tu. lepas tu khamis minggu depannya ada peksa lagi. weekend tu ekna study sikit (sikit je sebab aku kalau kat umah, memang restless, banyak distraction). kerana musim peksa ni, 2 acara embassy office aku skip. thats a huge sacrifice bro! bad timing, what to do? malam rabu tu, sebelum peksa tu, i couldnt sleep from 2.30 am until morning. dalam kepala tengah menghafal all the equations and reactions. pening kepala. memang yang peksa khamis tu i felt worried and nervous semacam. entah kenapa....

Alhamdulillah as for now, those 2 exams were over. no need to worry anymore. all i can do is: usaha, doa, tawakkal and yakin. waaaaa, takutnyaaaaaaaa...takpe tawakkal je pada Allah. next week, start a new chapter. that's how life is anyway....